If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
This did not end as expected.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
was Jim off killing horses or…
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.