A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The Weeknd is back
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner