[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
incredible
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
getting old is fun
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A French press is when you hug naked
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.