Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!