“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Nice try Hitler
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.