When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
need him
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me, after any kind of buffet.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.