After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Saturday
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS