Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.