[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake