Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Potatoes were such a good idea
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A new level of troll.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
ouch
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.