[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I wish I could veto my bills.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy