Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
TODAY
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Damn what did I do next
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.