Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
This why you should mind your business
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.