Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic