Sounds like a bargain
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
This guy gets it.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?