My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
😏😏😏
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?