A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.