Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.