Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
(Jupiter –
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato