You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
New tinder profile pic
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
The first one, obviously
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week