If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.