could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.