I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”