[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???