Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please