Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I鈥檇 be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I feel attacked.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Positives about working from home:
– There鈥檚 no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don鈥檛 leave the house
– I鈥檝e started talking to the cat.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn鈥檛 be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.