I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.