You Might Also Like
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
oppen heimer style lol
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!