Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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Expectations vs. Reality
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur