Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.