Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Just this preview of the story is enough
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine