DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
New Tinder profile.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”