Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
You Might Also Like
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…