This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.