If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
You Might Also Like
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*