My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Jupiter
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.