My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I think about this a lot
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird