As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
socratic questions
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
This is sending me to another galaxy
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”