What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Can. I. Help. You.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok