Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
True
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth