a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
this is funnier than any friends episode
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.