I want this so bad
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.