They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
You Might Also Like
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Oh the world we live in…
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.