Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.