Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Spell check is for lasers.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Merry Christmas
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
#dnd #ttrpg
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.