[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.