Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide