you will never know the true number of layers
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control