If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.