If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout